Hagerman National Wildlife Refuge: A Gray Winter Day

It was a cold winter day. I wasn't sure if I had missed the Snow and Ross Geese that migrate through the park but I decided to take a chance. The ride up was a long misty gray highway and it seemed longer than usual.

I needed a bit of nature, even though my backyard is full of chickadees, kinglets, cardinals and bluejays, there are too many distractions. Too many things to do, the television and the daily life struggles, so I went up to Hagerman to escape for a little while.

I wrote this about the morning.....it seemed like a long endless gray since Christmas

A Soft Morning, the winter breath of hungry ghosts

gnawing at my spine and cortex

it was as if we were both barely alive

me and this gray landscape

all colors given up

all light and character absent

we were both colorless forms

an old oak

shaking off the autumn

the wind rushed through

breaking limbs

leaving scars

but that's what winter does

it breaks us to the bones

leaving a shell that believes

in spring

that remembers color

A soft morning

awake and alive

but my soul asleep

in some gray lake

where the frost keeps the reeds

still

in winter all we have left

is our skeleton and a force of wind

our will

The Snow Geese were still there, not quite as many as previously, but just as loud and beautiful. They looked more like large white stones as they huddled in masses in the fields. Again they kept their distance but with less cars they all waddled closer to the road to get a drink. 

What I enjoyed the most was the sound of the constant chatter and a new chorus would begin as another ended. I got out of the car to a huge flog that covered the sky as they reshuffled the flock.

Besides the ducks there were many hawks including several kestrels, red-tailed and red shouldered hawks. As I was leaving I got a last glimpse of a hawk scanning a field outside the refuge. 

It was a very cold gray day but I enjoyed the needed escape. I also got some sketches for future paintings as well, so stay tuned. Let me know what  you thought of this post, more poetry? Less?

Did the photographs make you feel like you were there? I would love any input on this post. Have a happy New Year and get out there and enjoy nature.

The Edge of Concrete: Escaping Gray

The light today was flat. An overwhelming gray that dumbed down the entire landscape. It was like a metaphor for my mood.

Amidst all the grays-the light jumps out of the obvious. I sat and listened, trying desperately to get lost in nature. This was a small moment of letting go and being peaceful.

The Edge of Concrete: Escaping Gray

It’s against my nature to not respond. I’m the student that explains to the teacher how much I’ve learned while the lesson is in progress.

It’s natural as a creative to respond, we explain things, we describe things. I get the distinct impression the class has just begun and I need to be silent to fully understand today’s lesson.

The woods are  insistent, both in voice and presence. The only comparison I can describe is sitting by a grave stone or in a tree stand hunting, both of these activities demand silence. We must surrender to the quiet, there is a purpose to it.

The voice is always the same, that constant breathing, the long inhale and that slow expelling of wind. The trees shake, the leaves fall and amidst the uncomfortable silence the lesson begins.

I sit on the ground. So many thoughts seem to be simultaneously shouting for description. I feel so much weight of everything but you never realize it until you sit down. Stop, for even just a moment.

I feel the ache of age, I wonder if the oak feels the groan and bending in the winter wind. I feel every ache and pain, the long walk has my heart rate accelerated, even while its cold outside, I’m overheating.

I remember yesterday the traffic jam, how intense we are in our own lives we don’t realize how life is changing and affecting so many families. Our main responsibility is to savor every moment but do we?

So in this moment as the ground is alive with bugs and tiny things moving around, I am having a hard time keeping my mind from wandering to things to do, chores, ideas, I am overwhelmed. 

It used to be a given that I would get lost in a place like this, but now it takes a bit of work. I struggle, the adult says look at the time, pay attention to strangers, make sure your hydrated. The child that got lost in fallen leaves and could lose himself in the shadows and ignore the thorns…where has he gone? I’m still searching, desperate to be calm…what a grand task it has become even here in the middle of the woods.

Back to the Discovery Gardens: Regroup, Revamp, Recharge

For the last ten months, I have embarked on a sort of deconstruction of Gordon.01. I've learned about sales, people, the ins-and-outs of social anxiety and the precarious side of finding and growing a business.

I've learned certain careers will devour any free time necessary to make them succeed. This is fine as long as the work is in line with your passion than you never truly work. I've learned about the tightrope and it's frightening and liberating ride that makes us aware of what truly living is all about.

I've also learned how tenacious one can be against all obstacles. When you don't think there is anything left in your tank, dig a little deeper and suddenly you're back and more excited than ever.

I also learned about how faith and following God can often be overshadowed by your daily work and often when times are hard is when we seek him the most.

"The tightrope is frightening and liberating, awareness of 

the absence of a net shows us what truly living looks like"

Silence, Motivational speaking and prayer have all become habits that have literally changed my whole scope of mental wellness. I've realized how much depression can be healed even if only for a period of time with the right activities.

After taking a time out from the career I took on, I've gotten back to the gym and know that it is an integral part of feeling good. Goals and direction, discipline and focus are all parts of a successful life and aid in healing depression.

A few days ago, I stopped everything and went to the Discovery Gardens. I found the passion and enjoyment that continues to be my calling. Nature in all its perfection is my secret weapon to keep myself grounded and connected to my faith.

When people are enjoying nature, they are at their best. I got to share stories with people about photography, traveling and art. I stopped and watched as colorful wings spiraled and danced among the beautiful foliage.

It was one of the best few hours I've spent in a while. It's hard to stop long enough to see what's around you and in a place where butterflies are everywhere in every color, shape and size, it really was a few hours well spent.

A Road Trip to Arkansas: Just What the Soul Required

It's easy to put off doing what you love, there is no necessity for the body or for your financial state. There is always time to do it tomorrow, always room to assume there will be a tomorrow. I have been talking about shooting the fall foliage in Arkansas for many years and have consistently missed it.

This year,  I lost my job, it seemed appropriate to go and finally shoot autumn in Arkansas. You either have money and no time or time and a lack of funds. There is also the doubt and apprehension that seems to follow you when you do what you want and not necessarily what convention says you should.

I described the ride as melancholy: so many ghosts on highway 30 going east. Several times I would have preferred turning around and coming home, feeling a bit isolated and lonely. I pressed on and what I experienced was that blissful moment of being out there. Freedom is never more evident than the feeling on the road and solitude welcomes great insight.

I've been intent on living on the continent and not necessarily in one state, that's my goal. The apprehension I felt making the break is the muscle that has atrophied with time. It's foreign for someone that has been responsible for a family, a single dad for the last 14 years, to be somewhat emancipated, even if for just a day or so.

I'm always looking for someone to say you're failing, not being responsible. I have an eighteen year old son that insists I get out there and supports me breaking away.  I'm not sure which of us is growing more at this point, all I know is it's a natural progression for both of us despite my feelings of discomfort.

I used to think I'd be a wildlife photographer and yet I didn't think I wanted to be alone for periods of time doing my job. Now everything is questionable- I am open to what ever destiny makes itself known. I am learning more about myself outside the constraints of fear and apprehension.

I realized yesterday, it was exactly what I needed. When we get off the treadmill, we realize the apparatus that surrounds us. The distance between places to go, people to meet, things to discover seems less. You realize the anesthetic we use to keep us feeling comfortable, at ease; waking from that anesthesia is a little unnerving.

With the feeling of being refreshed and renewed, ideas flood my mind, options and opportunities seem more available. Today I went and bought painting supplies, a new palette which will be a clean slate for the next series of paintings.

I feel open and available to create. When you are running in the static of daily life, sometimes the best you can do is jump off and realize adventure is just a drive away. Freedom is truly not only in our grasp but by choice.

Jump in, the water is fine!!!

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